Here’s the thing…

Kids do it all the time. They say everything that they are going to do, everything they set out to do… but nothing goes to plan.

When you’re packed with so many things running, when you finally the get the chance to take a break, you just try to catch up. But it’s only like that if the moments are brief. Not six weeks long.

I had a list of things I wanted to accomplish during the holidays (2 weeks left out of the 6) and do you know how many of them were finished?

Not even half.

It happens to everyone, especially in the Christmas holidays with their New Year resolutions or that thing people say on the last day of term, “We’ll catch up sometime”, but you know why it doesn’t happen? Because like the New Year resolution, people procrastinate. They think they have so much time that it won’t really matter if they just do nothing today.

That mindset sticks.

It is one of the reasons I detested the Christmas holidays so much as a child, it was a whole 6 weeks off of school. I thought of it as a waste of my time. Wouldn’t it be much simpler to stop school around the 20th, and start again on the first? In fact, you could give us our time tables on the 20th and we’d just go straight back into the routine.

I wish I got my timetable before the first day back, it would make my life a lot better. Students show up with no books with the excuse they didn’t know which one to bring. So stupid. And for that whole day, teachers give us slack and make us to title pages… I detest title pages. I just want to be given work, and that is why I worked until the last day of term, which I did attend.

You know, I think one of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on this again, after vowing every day and then being absent for four weeks is because of my girlfriend. She is marvelously distracting, not that she is a distraction, I prefer to think of her as a priority.

However, my time management is rather preposterous. She has been doing work experience for her university course so for the past week and a half; she leaves in the morning and returns around 5-6 in the afternoon. So I’ve been feeling rather complacent, I don’t know what to do with myself.

Although I haven’t accomplished many of the things I set out to, there are a few that I have managed to complete. I have painted for the first time in months, I have researched universities, med schools and bachelors of many different things. I have not done enough I’m afraid.

You see, with others I suppose this mood begins on the last day, that is if it occurs at all. It is the feeling of laziness. It isn’t being lazy but feeling like you have been lazy, I suppose. You feel this dread that there is so much you could have done with that time, time that you can’t even remember spending, yet you chose to watch TV and sit around all day. School is looming over you and you just don’t want to go back.

I do want to go back, but not with unfinished plans and projects. I prefer everything to be finished neatly so I can return and work. I don’t like being coddling on the first or last weeks with movies or title pages. They bore me. School should be fascinating at all times, in my opinion, which is usually is. There is though a few classes which I wished they would offer but alas, since I cannot wait until university, I have started now. I have been studying quite a few subjects in the holiday, some of which I shall continue with during the school term.

For the next two weeks, hopefully you’ll be hearing from me. I tend to do this little neurotic fit and blast through a number of tasks, increasing speed by the time I get to school.

There is one foreboding thought about school though, with the masses of people and the few friends I have… I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through the first day back.

Nightmare.

I had the single most horrifying dream of my entire life last night.

I woke silently and began to cry, tears streaming down my face, I sobbed into my pillow.

I… I began to hyperventilate as I went into a panic attack which ended with me passing out.

That dream has been haunting me the entire day.

I don’t know why I had the dream but it was about my girlfriend.

And…

She beat me to an inch of my life.

It was terrifying.

I have never been more scared in my life.

Nothing except that night where my hands shook with the razor blade, hovering above my vivid blue veins, can be compared to this…

My girlfriend and I have gotten into trouble for a number of phone bills (both house and mobile) due to how often we talk. We talk for several hours every day and we have for a long time. It doesn’t ever even seem like enough though, simply because we live so far away (I’m in Sydney and she is in Brisbane).

So when I called her last night after trying to remain ‘good’ as we have been trying to cut down on our talk time (just on the phone) we had to keep it brief. We spoke for exactly 7 minutes and 34.6 seconds. Which was around midnight. I didn’t open up to her as I didn’t want to go through the dream so when we left, I hadn’t felt any better.

I ended up sobbing for the following hour, tossing and turning hopelessly for the next and I think I probably fell asleep at around three.

That dream has been haunted me for the entire day and all of last night, every time I closed my eyes I would see flashes of it.

Cold eyes glaring down onto me. Desperately trying to curl into a tighter ball and make myself smaller. The endless punches and kicks inflicted onto my body.

My girlfriend would never do a thing like that to anyone regardless of any reasons you could possibly think of.

She is an amazing and kind hearted person and there is no doubt in my mind about that.

But god, that dream was terrifying.

Last day is today.

Last day of school is today and I’m very sad about it. I don’t want school to end, I have six weeks off and I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

A lot of the people who support me only manage to do so through school, I won’t see my friends as much, I won’t be able to get myself outside as much, I won’t have work/homework, I won’t have interaction with any teachers or with the school counselor.

This worries me because those things help me cope.

When school ends I’m still going to have that same pressure on me, to be better, to work harder because I can never seem to be enough for my parents however school won’t be there, work won’t be there.

The feeling of absolute worthlessness will overtake me, just like it has done every holiday before. I am constantly vowing to myself that I will work harder and do better yet I will have no work. The pressure will remain just as strong and I’ll be restless feeling like I can’t do anything to help it.

I’m worried that I won’t cope in the holidays because of that reason.

I will most likely board myself up in my room, desperately searching for any scraps of work left over and work on my writing. I’m the type of person who doesn’t really go outside, I’m probably going to spend my time on Skype with my girlfriend and nothing else. I don’t really have much interaction with the outside world and having school gets me outside, where the sunlight is.

I’m worried that I’m going to change again. I always, always change drastically in the holidays.

I guess I’m one of those people who inadvertently changes their behavior to fit their environment. I act different around my friends and my parents, my peers and my teachers, the counselor and my girlfriend. When I’m alone (like I am now) it’s normally quite hard for me but at times I crave it.

Long periods of time alone (through holidays) normally make my outlook on life change around. I was a thick headed year 7 and when I came back for year 8, I was depressed. It was during one school holidays that I came to terms with my sexuality, it was in a school holidays when I meet the girl I love, it was in the school holidays when I self harmed for the first time and another for the last, it was in the school holidays when I came so close to slitting my wrists that I could have sworn the razor was pressing so hard that my veins were threatening to burst…

I don’t know what is in store for me this time.

But I know that every single end of year holiday since I was a little child has left me sadder, and sadder, and more bitterly alone than ever before. I don’t think this time will be different.

I just hope that with my girlfriend supporting me I can make it through it. Although I won’t have any of the strong women I look up to, to guide me. I just hope that I manage to thank them appropriately today because I truly owe them a lot. When I was a child I used to say my hero was my mother and now it’s two of my teachers, I don’t know if I’d ever have the courage to say aloud to anyone but my girlfriend.

So wish me luck, I’m going to need it to get through today and the rest of the holidays. I really wish this wasn’t happening, I’m probably not going to have those teachers again and I think that’ll make me miserable.

Today will be a horrible day.

I’m Excited.

I’m about to go up to the post office to get the stamps and a package to send a shirt up to my girlfriend in Queensland. We decided we’d switch shirts once again (we sleep in them) before the holidays and then switch back when she comes down.

I’m so excited to see her, she just recently got this new webcam and it’s in HD. She is so beautiful but incredibly shy when she catches me staring at her. Not that you can blame me because this girl… is perfect.

My dad is yelling at me so I really need to go but I’m proud to say that in this moment with my sleepy girlfriend on the phone, I am so incredibly happy.

Leave Me Alone

Everyone is always just so ‘fine’.

 But we are not.

Sometimes, we are hurting.

Sometimes, we are bruised.

Sometimes, we are nearly completely shattered and this, sir, is not what one calls fine.

When I am almost in tears, when I am at my final straw, do you really think asking me “Are you okay?” is the right thing to do?

You publicly asked me this, in front of a majority of my peers and expect me to answer truthfully.

You know what I am going to say, you know that it will be a lie…

You wanna know why… because you aren’t my actual teacher, you aren’t my friend and I don’t want you to talk to me.

I understand being worried about a student but perhaps having slightly more tact would be a bit better. Instead of stopping during the roll or calling out across the classroom to ask how I am and said I look upset, maybe you should wait until everyone is busy and just walk over to me and ask me quietly. Maybe ask if I want to talk.

I know you’re trying to do the right thing and all but you can’t expect me to just open up to you. That’s arrogant and rude. I’ve never had you as a teacher before, never met you before, I don’t even recall your name, yet you think you have the audacity to call across the classroom, loudly, publicly “Are you okay? You look so sad? Did somebody die?”

And this whole rant is excluding the fact that they asked me “Did somebody die” and after I responded with “I’m fine, just tired”, they said “Are you sure? Because you looked depressed. Really depressed.”

Thank you…

Thank you so much.

I had no idea that I was so depressed.

Wow, this is gonna make me change my whole life around.

Thanks.

I mean, it’s fine to care but honestly, have a little common sense.

And dear god, don’t hassle me for the rest of the lesson about it. I don’t know you, leave me alone.

I think I want to die.

I am falling apart.

I know I am seem so together but I am breaking.

My family is just… I can not cope with this.

I got through depression. I got through anorexia. I got through self harm. I got through struggling with my sexuality. I got through hating myself. I fixed things with the girl I love. I honestly do not know what else there is for me to do. I really do not.

I thought I could just be happy but I am not.

I feel like the situation with my family is making me confront myself, I am pulling at threads to try and fix this but I cannot. I am blaming myself for everything and I am beginning to hate every single little thing about me.

I cannot talk to my mum, it does not work like that.

This is not my time or place.

I just wish I was out of the house.

I wish I had someone who would take me in, I know my friends say they would but their parents wouldn’t.

I wish there was an adult who cared enough that they could hug me.

Believe me, I have support.

I have my friends and my girlfriend but I just… I need a parent to be there for me.

I really think I need a hug.

But you know, the only adults supporting me are teachers and a counselor and I don’t think they’d ever hug me.

I just wish I had an adult who was like a mum to me. Well… I do kind of have that in my head but not in real life, I just kind of wish I did.

I do not know why I always seem to cling to people.

I do not know what I am going to do in the holidays.

I am not going to be able to see my friends for a while but I will be able to see my girlfriend twice which is amazing since she lives in Queensland.

But I am not going to be able to talk to the counselor I see or the teachers and I think I am going to go back to school with a lot more problems than how I am going to leave it.

I am honestly scared I am not going to make it back to school.

I… I hate the holidays. I… they terrify me.

Everyone else seems so happy to go, they do not want work and just want to watch movies and have silly Christmas parties.

I just want to work, I do not get how that is so hard to do. I… I want to work. I really really do.

I am so scared about the holidays.

I do not want them to come.

Reports

So I got my school report not long again, maybe a day or two and I showed it to my mother. Now I don’t really want to go into my grades but it’s a pretty good report. I love school and I’ll admit that I’m above average.

So I show it to my mother, she just scans it and throws it on the couch, tells me to work a bit harder and walks away from me.

I work so hard for a whole semester and get one of the best reports I’ve ever had and she just brushes it off like it’s nothing.

That… that makes me feel like shit.

School is so obviously important to me and she just… she just treats me like it means nothing. I honestly don’t know what it is going to take to make that woman proud of me.

I don’t know how long it will take to make my father see that I am not a child and I do not need to be pestered about the tiniest of things every five minutes. He needs to grow up and realise that I can take care of myself.

And my brother… let’s just say at one point in my child, I sobbed for the whole day because he bullied me and when I finally had enough I walked up to him, I was about 8 and he was 11. I asked him what I did to make him hate me so much and he said that I was born. There has probably only been two occasions in my entire life when I felt like that wasn’t true.

I work and I work and I work. I do my chores, I study hard, I get him presents, I give him my food, I go shopping with her when I don’t want to, I clean my room, I’m never late… I do so god damn much.

When will I be good enough?

I am starting to think that I am not the problems but they are. Maybe they need to grow up and get over themselves.

Maybe my mother should open her eyes and realise I am trying.

Maybe my father should realise that I am going to be an adult very soon and I am mature enough to take care of myself.

Maybe my brother should stop being a homophobic dick and realise that what he says and what he says to me, affects me.

Or…

Maybe I should just get over it.

I do not know.

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